He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
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