My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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