after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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