my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
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