fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
