Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
