Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
if only i could text you this smell
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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