I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
