I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
Someone shattered a urinal.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
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