i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Randomize