My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
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