She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
