Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
