i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize