There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
