They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
