You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Randomize
