just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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