We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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