Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Randomize
