I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
