I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Randomize
