i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
