i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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