All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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