Kiss
Puke
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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