I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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