Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
