you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
