My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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