Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize