I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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