She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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