Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
