we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Randomize
