Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize