i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
