I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
