I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
