non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
