Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Randomize
