My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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