your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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