I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
