He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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