I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
