watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
