Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
