he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
