i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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