I can text with my tongue
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
my FASA form asked what i spent the majority of my 08 earnings on, im tempted to put "booze, blow, & blunts"
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Randomize
