I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
