:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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