I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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