I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I just blew my weed a kiss
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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