There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Randomize
