I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Randomize
