i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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