Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
