I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
