I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
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