This dress was meant to end up on your floor
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
