I looked at my own cervix.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
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